Offensive ******mas Carols

As I was surfing the web a few days ago, I came across an article written by Spunky Junior. A group of public schooled students, offended by the many references to the first Advent of Christ in the traditional carol "Silent Night", have created their own version:

Cold in the night, no one in sight, winter winds whirl and bite, how I wish I were happy and warm, safe with my family out of the storm.

Even though I am personally unoffended by references to Christ, I applaud these students for their unflinching tenacity in not tolerating things that offend them. I also have a carol that contains words offensive to me. The verse in the popular "Jingle Bells" contains references to horses and snow simultaneously. This is something that I simply cannot stomach, as I have had past bad experiences with both equestrian mammals and snow. So I have exercised my freedoms as well and composed my own variation:

Dashing through the dirt On a pair of broken skis Flying through the woods Bouncing off of trees Then ahead I see A skier's greatest fear Off the cliff with a hi-de-ho My last jump of the year Oh, Jingle Bells As I fell Whistling through the air Landing in a briar patch But no one even cared Oh, Jingle Bells Now I tell Why I never ski Since that day I've had no way To stand on my own two feet.

Never allow yourself to be offended! In Him, D3 [Disclaimer: the above statements are primarily satirical in nature.]